To the driver of the white Chevy Silverado, Arizona license number “GIT7DUN”:


You know who you are, you arrogant jerk with the silhouette of the naked woman on your mud-flaps and a TapouT decal next to your confederate flag window sticker, who happens to enjoy and frequent the same Tempe pizza place as me,-- MOVE. 

Of course, the word “move” constituted a small percentage of the profanity-ridden tirade I unleashed last evening, when you- “Sultan of the Parking-Lot”, were DIAGONALLY PARKED through the two most prime parking spaces in front of my pizza place in an otherwise packed parking-lot. (To prevent more jackasses from polluting the environment in and around my pizza paradise, I’m not naming the restaurant in case any of your equally un-evolved cohorts happen to read this.)

Today, when I again demand that you “move”, I mean “get out of my city”. Yes, please move, leave, disappear, doesn’t matter how you do it, just stop existing, for there is an over-abundance of your type of driver in Arizona and for that matter, human.

I have prepared a list of grievances with you that I feel justify your removal from the society in which we must currently cohabitate. For your convenience, and frankly, to prevent you from getting lost in my litany of complaints, I have numbered them.

1:  “TapouT”- Seriously, what are you thinking? It is an exercise clothing line made for cage-fighters. Judging by the fact that you were parked in front of a PIZZERIA that specializes in greasy pizza and chicken wings, I’m going to assume that the closest you ever get to an “octagon” depends on how close you are sitting to your TV, which no-doubt, is tuned to SpikeTV. There is no need for more “TapouT”-wearing, heavy-metal-loving, Busch-Beer-drinking hillbillies in Tempe. Sorry, we’re full. 

2: “GIT7DUN”. Really?! Was “GitRDone” taken? Or maybe you are just a really productive red-neck. You don’t just get “R” (which I’m guessing is hick-speak for “1”) done, you get “7” done. Not bad. That still doesn’t excuse you from the fact that you advertise your affinity for Larry The Cable Guy on your vehicle. What makes matters worse is that you deliberately misspelled “done” to make his stupid catchphrase fit on your license plate instead of just adding another tacky sticker in your window. We have also reached our quota of cars sporting stupid slogans or sayings on their license plates. No more room for you here either.

3: The Confederate flag window sticker- Ok, we get it. You don’t like racial minorities AND you are really good at holding grudges. Aside from the fact that your good ole’ “stars and bars” represents nothing but hate and a failed attempt at a country run on inequality and sweet tea, the confederate flag is a lasting symbol of the stubborn ignorance and refusal of your kin to rejoin the rest of your countrymen who extended the olive branch to you even after you all tried to destroy our “perfect union”. Actually, on second thought, this may be the one point we agree on- I wish as I’m sure you do, that the south had succeeded in seceding from the north. If that had happened, I wouldn’t have to demand you leave my city because you probably would be living in another country. Since your favorite country no longer exists, we don’t have any room in Tempe for fans of the confederacy. Try Georgia, they have tons of old plantation land for sale.

4: This last one isn’t so much of a complaint; it’s more of a question. I was just wondering if you actually thought that by putting a naked woman’s silhouette on the mud flaps on your truck, you would have better luck at actually getting a woman to ride in your truck. Furthermore, if you did, I’m going to need photographic evidence to support your claim that she/it even remotely resembled the figure of the woman on the flaps. Either way, we don’t have room for you or any stupid hillbitches that are into truck-porn.

The bottom line is you’re a douche who can’t park the very vehicle that makes you a douche. I guess it’s not entirely your fault. I mean, you have probably been parking on your front lawn since you first learned to drive at age ten. Even if your girlfriend/sister isn’t yet, I trust that you are of legal driving age now which means there are rules you need to learn how to follow. In addition to the norms of the road, which I’m sure you also ignore, there are norms in the parking-lot. The most important of these norms is to STAY IN YOUR OWN SINGLE SPACE! Not that it matters now of course, because you have been voted off the island.

There you have it, a reasonable petition of grievances that I have put-fourth on behalf of every sane, able-parking driver on Tempe’s roads. Your actions last night make you today’s DAILY BEEF. Now GTFO before tomorrow’s beef is about people who don’t know how to listen to directions. Good day